I haven’t been myself lately…

It’s been a few months since I’ve blogged, and I’m so sorry about that. I’m sorry that I abandoned you guys in your time of need…

But I needed time too.

This pandemic has brought about literally every feeling and thought that I’ve worked so hard to rid my mind of. With COVID-19 lingering and the government practically destroying our lives, I wouldn’t say that I’ve been too ecstatic about life.

I still haven’t figured out how to navigate this weird time. As an anxious person, I thought maybe I’d enjoy the social distancing period…which was somewhat correct. However, as time started to drag on and the end drifted farther away, I began to realize that maybe social distancing isn’t the best thing for me.

When I go home to my apartment every night, I’m forced to sit in the eye of my thoughts. For anxious people, this is the absolute worst thing to do. Personally, I need constant stimulation to keep my mind from wandering into the abyss. With Miss Rona running rampant outside, there aren’t many things to do but go home and think about everything.

This entire pandemic, I’ve battled thoughts of worthlessness. I’ve battled loneliness. I’ve even contemplated self-harm to switch my pain from mental to physical because I’d rather deal with a cut than my intrusive thoughts. I’ve reached out to loved ones to take my mind off of things, but some people just don’t get it.

So I decided to weather my storm the same way I’d been doing before: Alone.

But in doing so, I started to resent my loved ones for not noticing that I was disassociating. I started taking my frustrations out on innocent people who didn’t even know that I’d been fighting an internal battle.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to put on a brave face anymore. I don’t want to pretend to be happy anymore. I want to acknowledge my feelings and really own them.

Constantly suppressing my feelings is what makes for a huge disaster in the long run, and that’s what I want to avoid. I’m learning to tell myself that it’s okay to not be cheery. It’s okay to take off the mask and wear my real emotions for a little bit. Doing so is how we as humans process our thoughts and begin healing.

Yes, I’m tired, but I’m only tired for right now. I’m not giving up. I’ve survived 100% of my worst days, and I know that I’ll survive many more. Who knows, my breakthrough may be right around the corner, and that in itself is enough to keep me going.

-Khai

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